I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
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can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
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he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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