I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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