No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
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Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
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Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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