"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
two words: eviction party
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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