Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
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They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
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Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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