mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize