Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize