based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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