woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
my liver is dry heaving
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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