Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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