I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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