Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
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You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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