So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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