remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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