You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
