I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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