We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
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Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
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Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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