I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
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do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
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I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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