sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
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And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
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They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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