i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
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Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
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He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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