how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
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second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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