I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
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I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
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I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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