No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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