FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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