I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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