he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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