if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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