That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
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Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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