I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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