My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
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sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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