Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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