I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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