New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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