i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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