I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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