when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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