I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
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Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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