There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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