You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
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Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
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I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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