Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
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the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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