I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
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I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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