Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
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Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
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You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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