My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
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I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
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I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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