I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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