you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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