The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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