I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
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We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
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On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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