i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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