If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
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you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
you had me at cake vodka
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
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definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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