do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
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I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
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Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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